I thought he was going to be the one.

He saw beauty, where I saw none.

I thought he was going to save me from myself.

It was as if he saw me…

Not the person I pretend to be.

What wouldn’t I have done to keep you by my side?

I have come to the conclusion I am not corporate material. I just do not have the “killer instinct”. I am simply too laid back for this kinda work. I merely want to work someplace with a pleasant atmosphere; Where people are happy to be there. I do not want to be stressed out anymore. I want a job…. somewhere over the rainbow, where troubles melt like lemon drops… that’s where you’ll find me.

It is not that I hate make-up, I just have never really worn it. The most I do is eyeliner and mascara.

Occasionally if I am feeling really adventurous I will put on blush. The thing is…I am a face toucher….all day long my hands are on my face…resting my chin on my hand…rubbing my temples from the stress…..etcetera etcetera….I feel I would be constantly wiping it off. Plus, I never really learned how, as my mother wore only eye make-up as well. I don’t know if I would ever change, would start wearing a full face at this stage of my life…but I think it might be fun to learn how….
Please, feel free to leave a comment on your take….

So I am thinking, I really need to make some major life adjustments if I am going to move forward with my life. I have allowed myself to blame my divorce for all that is wrong with my life right now. Although, how I lived my life…or more to say …how I was ALLOWED to live my life while I was married does indeed play a major factor in where I am right now, however, I need to let that go.
It has been almost ten years since my separation and subsequently my divorce. There have been times when I was doing quite well for myself and there have been times where I have been in utter discontent. Lately, it has been the latter of the two.

How I arrived at divorce after 22 years of marriage and six kids… will have to be a prequel post(s).

This morning as the alarm screamed to life, I found myself confused. I thought it was Sunday. So I hit the snooze continuously for 45 minutes. Then I reluctantly arose to get ready to face the day. I showered and prepared a cup of coffee, checked on my email, twitter and FaceBook. As per usual there was nothing much there. One cannot expect much when they themselves have nothing to say.
Breakfast was shared with Bronte and I prepared oatmeal cooked in some milky Chai Tea. Bronte had hers with some sugar and I with cinnamon peanut butter and bananas. I also made a Spirutein Orange/Peach smoothie, yummy. Not sure of how many calories I ate. I wonder if I should really be concerned, as long as I do not over eat and I start to work out. I do not want to be what I was trying to get back to in the beginning of July. I want to be who I am and have someone love me for me…. I think there might be people out there who do, but I am so insecure that I cannot bring myself to believe that.
I did not bring yogurt for my 9:30 snack as my breakfast was so large that I did not feel I would be hungry so soon. I did, however, bring some trail mix and a granola bar, just in case I get hungry before lunch. I never seem to get hungry after lunch…I can always make it to 5:15

I need to go outside and soak up some sun. It is always so very cold in here…and today I cannot deal with the cold.

Is it such a horrible thing that I want to curl up with a man….just to sit on a couch and watch a movie… no sex involved…. Just to, for a lack of better words, snuggle/cuddle. To be in the warmth of a mans arms would be divine right now….

Yumm!! I made myself the best lunch today! I had a veggie bologna sammy with Veganaise, spicy mustard lettuce and pickles. For my side dish I whipped up some yummy cream cheese, powder sugar dip for my strawberries…!!!

Chelsea made spaghetti for dinner last night and of course I over ate! I had a decent size portion of spaghetti, green beans, sauce and cheese, with one piece garlic bread. But what happens is that is all taste so good, that I go back for more! Crap, I ended up eating 3 breads and 2 helpings of spaghetti! I was then so full it hurt! So about an hour later I have strawberries and cream cheese dip! Then I go back for some Whole Soy & Co frozen yogurt! I suck, I have no control at all!! Which would not be so bad, if only I exercised!!!

I need to remember to pay the Cell bill!!!

I had a really good day at work yesterday.

I love to drive fast…that love earned me a speeding ticket…..with an extra added bonus of being late for work….I really need to find an outlet for my “Need for Speed”!!!

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE LOO:
1. I encountered hefty gal while entering the Loo and was slapped in the face with the stank of un-cleanliness…sauntered off to find an alternate Loo…
2. New Loo, cube had pubic hair on the seat! I have taken to doubling up on the ass-gaskets at work…
3. The handicap cube has gal sitting on floor in front of the toilet with purse and makeup bag…WTF?!

I got really hungry…wanted to get something healthy from café, but nothing there, so I settled for tots and makeshift guacamole! Bad bad me!
Well for lunch I only just had a soda as I was still full from the tots!!

1. I went to the market last night and spent monies I did not have to get a few foodies for all. I purchased creamer, cinnamon bread, mini blueberry muffins, Velveeta and cheese, spaghettiOs, blueberries, walnuts and chai tea for the oatmeal I wanna make, yogurt, oh and puffins cereal. Vons did not have the special peanut butter I wanted.

2. Fuck! My allergies flared up something wicked the second I entered work today! I cannot even remember when they have been this bad. My nose is raw and I keep sneezing and sniffling! I almost wanna ask to go home~!

3. I am wicked hungry but this too shall pass!!!

4. I have been thinking a lot about suicide, not sure if it is due to reading Prozac Nation.

1. I had some oatmeal this morning and promptly splashed it all over my shirt. So I had to change it and now I am so not feeling the sexy vibe!

2. I had Jack in the Box for lunch…it is only because I know we have nothing at home to eat. I need to go to the market and get some foods!!!
For dinner Chelsea made Velveeta n cheese…so of course I ate some of that. Damn! Also had one mini blueberry muffin and the heel of the cinnamon bread… ugh!

3. I had an awesome day at work today! I spoke with investors on the phone and helped navigate them thru the new reports. I was able to explain how the reports worked and what they needed to look for. I spoke in length to two separate investors. I was fierce! I love days like that!

It is only 10:00 and I am losing it already at work. I am about to break down and cry and my chest hurts bad….I am so totally having an anxiety attack and I don’t know why. I have no meds with me either!!! SHIT! FUCK!
Is it so very wrong of me to want to be fired in this economy?! And every time I blog anything about hating my job, somebody comes back with I should be glad to have a job! I know this, I am not stupid, but if my job is gonna cause me to die earlier of a fucking heart attack then what good is it, ya know!