I have come to the conclusion I am not corporate material. I just do not have the “killer instinct”. I am simply too laid back for this kinda work. I merely want to work someplace with a pleasant atmosphere; Where people are happy to be there. I do not want to be stressed out anymore. I want a job…. somewhere over the rainbow, where troubles melt like lemon drops… that’s where you’ll find me.

It is not that I hate make-up, I just have never really worn it. The most I do is eyeliner and mascara.

Occasionally if I am feeling really adventurous I will put on blush. The thing is…I am a face toucher….all day long my hands are on my face…resting my chin on my hand…rubbing my temples from the stress…..etcetera etcetera….I feel I would be constantly wiping it off. Plus, I never really learned how, as my mother wore only eye make-up as well. I don’t know if I would ever change, would start wearing a full face at this stage of my life…but I think it might be fun to learn how….
Please, feel free to leave a comment on your take….

So I am thinking, I really need to make some major life adjustments if I am going to move forward with my life. I have allowed myself to blame my divorce for all that is wrong with my life right now. Although, how I lived my life…or more to say …how I was ALLOWED to live my life while I was married does indeed play a major factor in where I am right now, however, I need to let that go.
It has been almost ten years since my separation and subsequently my divorce. There have been times when I was doing quite well for myself and there have been times where I have been in utter discontent. Lately, it has been the latter of the two.

How I arrived at divorce after 22 years of marriage and six kids… will have to be a prequel post(s).

I need to remember to pay the Cell bill!!!

I had a really good day at work yesterday.

I love to drive fast…that love earned me a speeding ticket…..with an extra added bonus of being late for work….I really need to find an outlet for my “Need for Speed”!!!

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE LOO:
1. I encountered hefty gal while entering the Loo and was slapped in the face with the stank of un-cleanliness…sauntered off to find an alternate Loo…
2. New Loo, cube had pubic hair on the seat! I have taken to doubling up on the ass-gaskets at work…
3. The handicap cube has gal sitting on floor in front of the toilet with purse and makeup bag…WTF?!

I got really hungry…wanted to get something healthy from café, but nothing there, so I settled for tots and makeshift guacamole! Bad bad me!
Well for lunch I only just had a soda as I was still full from the tots!!

1. I went to the market last night and spent monies I did not have to get a few foodies for all. I purchased creamer, cinnamon bread, mini blueberry muffins, Velveeta and cheese, spaghettiOs, blueberries, walnuts and chai tea for the oatmeal I wanna make, yogurt, oh and puffins cereal. Vons did not have the special peanut butter I wanted.

2. Fuck! My allergies flared up something wicked the second I entered work today! I cannot even remember when they have been this bad. My nose is raw and I keep sneezing and sniffling! I almost wanna ask to go home~!

3. I am wicked hungry but this too shall pass!!!

4. I have been thinking a lot about suicide, not sure if it is due to reading Prozac Nation.

1. I had some oatmeal this morning and promptly splashed it all over my shirt. So I had to change it and now I am so not feeling the sexy vibe!

2. I had Jack in the Box for lunch…it is only because I know we have nothing at home to eat. I need to go to the market and get some foods!!!
For dinner Chelsea made Velveeta n cheese…so of course I ate some of that. Damn! Also had one mini blueberry muffin and the heel of the cinnamon bread… ugh!

3. I had an awesome day at work today! I spoke with investors on the phone and helped navigate them thru the new reports. I was able to explain how the reports worked and what they needed to look for. I spoke in length to two separate investors. I was fierce! I love days like that!

It is only 10:00 and I am losing it already at work. I am about to break down and cry and my chest hurts bad….I am so totally having an anxiety attack and I don’t know why. I have no meds with me either!!! SHIT! FUCK!
Is it so very wrong of me to want to be fired in this economy?! And every time I blog anything about hating my job, somebody comes back with I should be glad to have a job! I know this, I am not stupid, but if my job is gonna cause me to die earlier of a fucking heart attack then what good is it, ya know!

My sister Sara turned me on to this.  Although I have always heard that 28 days makes a habit, I am all for it…  the deal is this… what to choose.  I have many things in my life that I would like to become habit…. exercise, blogging, NOT eating fast food, cooking more meals, doing more things with my kids… and just not being lazy in general.  You see I am a procrastinator… I wake up every morning with such good intentions… today I will get home from work and take a long walk with the kids and dogs… and then I will cook a fabulous organic vegetarian meal..etcetera…etcetera.  However, by the time I drag my sorry ass in the front door all I can think of is how very tired I am.  The last thing I want to do after spending all day being the bread winner is to come home and be the Mommie.  I feel very sad for the last two if my six children… they have received a Mommie that finds herself and the end of her rope a lot… but I digress… that is a story for another blogging day… I think I will try to do all of the above… oh and I want to take more pictures! Hopefully I wont  get lazy and let this all slip away.

All this I do to illicit a response, any response.  Should you tell me that you can never see us going out again, that I am far too old…or whatever.  It would be infinitely better.  Instead there is no response.  I do not move you too say… anything.  And in this absence I continue with hope; and this small pilot light of hope keeps my soul ever burning.  Certainly,  while my time is otherwise occupied,  I can pretend to forget you.  To believe that I have gotten you out of my system, but all it takes is a simple glimpse of you on the internet and the fire all but blooms into a raging inferno.  I realise that it makes no sense.