….Can’t Take It….

1. I can’t sleep…..so what else is new….I haven’t slept since I was 14……..
2. I can’t stop checking my email….even tho I know there will be none……..
3. If it weren’t for my kids……….I would have ended it all……years ago….
4. I want to end it all now……I do not feel that……….I do not feel…..

…its like a drug…its like a demon I cant face down…

1. I had a breakdown at work today….. I do not know why people think I know more than I do. What did my former boss tell MiniBig??…..MiniBig keeps telling me that she heard great things about me from her…..I was not good at my job…I just knew the right people to ask questions…..and now I am here…trying to cope….and, well…..I lost that battle big time this morning…I was so wretched that I had to go home….I tried first to control myself…..to regain composure, however, it was much to late…I left at 11 like I was going to lunch…saw MiniBig in the parking lot….broke down again and told her I had to go home…..I am not going into work tomorrow….

2. I have been purging again….only once a day….I joined the Extreme BootCamp, but despite my working out one hour every day, five days a week….for the past 3 weeks….I have lost NOTHING….so I told myself FUCK THIS SHIT!! I am going back to my old ways….and with doing that and still working out….I have already lost 5 pounds! But today was bad….after the breakdown, I went out and had a burrito, a quesadilla and fries….I ate half of each….but I am trying to be good, so I dont purge at lunch…….dinner was Mission Burrito!….a burrito, an enchilada, some rice and guacamole! I was not planning on purging so I did not drink much with it…..but I could not let that sit in my stomach…..so up it came

3. I met up with another “online guy”….what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!…..I wish for just once I could meet someone and be normal!…what is it that makes me feel that I have to be sexual with them…..do I think they wont like me……maybe I feel that is all I have to offer……for 21 years I was in a bad marriage and was not allowed to have friends….so now I dont know how to behave…..plus getting married at 19….before I could develop into who I was, just might have something to do with it….I am not looking to get married again….I just would like to have a steady guy in my life…….actually I wouldn’t mind having a few good girlfriends as well……..anyway, so now this guy wont answer my emails…..I am not so pathetic that I send multiple emails…I sent one the next day…..and then one today……..if I dont get an answer then I know that he does not want to go out again…but he should at least have the decency to email me back and say that he does not wish to have any further contact.  I would give him that courtesy…….

…help…..

…I can’t deal…

..vacation’s all I ever wanted….

Today is the last day of my 3 week VaCa….I am not looking forward to starting my new position… in a new location….with all new people…tomorrow….feeling a bit of anxiety I must say…..hope the players are as fun as the old place…

…he ain’t heavy…he’s my brother…..

Time for Big Brother 10!  Anyone else out there a fan?????? I say the old guy is gonna get kicked off first or get head of household….I am all for the Gay Rodeo Champion!!!  That Renny has to go…she is just annoying!  Renny and Jessie…and so it goes….stay tuned….Tuesday at 9 for the power of Veto!!!!

YeeeeHaaaaaw…let the games begin!

Once upon a time, your mama knew what it meant to shine…..

I am watchng Hope Floats and drinking alone….I am melancholy….I do not need a man, but I want one…..there is nothing like that feeling when your man puts his hand on the small of your back…..God I love the touch of a man….the scent of a man….to feel secure in the arms of a man….I miss that….

…so let me out, or let me in……

What is it about purging that just makes me feel in control…there is a satisfaction in ridding myself of what I have ingested….all men are triggers….I don’t understand them….and I do not know how to act around them…..I am sooo shy that I cannot think of what to say….and then when I drink to loosen up some….well…I get too loose…OK not that loose, don’t go there……just, very suggestive and I suppose I give off the wrong impression…..I don’t think this meet up with CamaroBoy is gonna happen…maybe I just need to work on me…..leave the guys behind…I don’t know…..

Voice of Truth. . .

I am starving…..but I cannot eat……I am FAT……

…you must be a girl with shoes like that….

What is it with guys…I mean is it really like what Harry says in “When Harry Met Sally”?  Men and women cannot be friends, because the sex thing always gets in the way….OK, so I am trying the online dating thing…I mean whats a single mom of 6 (although only 4 still live at home and only 2 are under eighteen) to do these days….So I am chatting it up with Camaro boy….and… is it me….but the conversation turns risque….my profile is not suggetive in any way, so I cannot figure out why it turns that way…anyway, we are supposed to meet on Friday….we shall see.

Love Is A Losing Game. . .

We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time.
~Jack Kerouac
This quote just makes me melt . ..